For me, the photo of the mother and three year old son at his mother’s breast brought up the controversy from decades ago about nursing moms. I was a “thoroughly modern Millie” who, along with most of my peers, saw nursing as a primitive, overly emotional aspect of parenting. After all, formula was easy and healthy…. or so the marketing ads told us.

Now most of us realize we were duped into the economics of the baby food industry. There is enough research that indicates breastfeeding is the truest, healthiest way for infants to get both nutrition and nurturing.

The big question women are asking right now about attachment parenting is when is enough, enough?

What are positive boundaries and what is best for the growth and development of our young? Here are two important books to review. One is by an old friend, Joseph Chilton Pearce, who wrote this in the 1970’s and is still an important source of information “Magical Child”. The other is fresh off the press and again, food for thought; “Bringing Up Bebe” by Pamela Druckerman.

My own suggestion is to consider what really matters. How much do I.Q. scores really mean? How vital is it for kids to be on varsity sports teams? What do we do when children say they are bored? Where do computers fit into our lives and their lives?

Working or staying at home, the issues are here for all of us to discuss. And the really BIG question is “What does it mean to “have it all”?

Mother’s Day is a multi-layered, complex day filled with stuff that is often unsaid by both children and parents.

It’s a few days after, so take a few minutes whether you are a mother or the child of a mother (you MUST be one part of the equation if you are living and breathing on this planet of ours).

Here is food for thought as we now get ready to visit Father’s Day in June.

What was Mother’s Day like for you?

How did you show your mother gratitude?

What were your thoughts around your mother if she has already passed?

The biggest question is what are the unsaid thoughts that come up year after year? What issues repeat and repeat? Notice this has less to do with age than with the fear of breaking the status quo and moving into new, uncharted territory.

When we become Pattern Aware (take the Pattern Aware Quiz at www.sylvialafair.com) and make a conscious decision NOT to stay silent or paralyzed by the fear of change and often magic happens.

These honoring holidays can be so much more than a good time for retail sales to climb. They can be times to tell the truth without blame, judgment, or attack. They can be times to begin anew and create healthy boundaries where we neither intrude nor distance ourselves.

Wonder what would happen if we used these days of recognition to create better relationships. Confucius said it long ago and the words are universal and vital:

If there be righteousness in the heart, there will be beauty in the character. If there be beauty in the character, there will be harmony in the home.  If there be harmony in the home, there will be order in the nation.  If there be order in the nation, there will be peace in the world. “

It’s never too late to set things right.

I learned all about the world of shopping from her. You name it; she was a master shopper of clothes, shoes, pocketbooks, makeup, and on and on.

Here is the trap.

She would swirl in front of the store mirror and then buy two or three things she liked knowing she really only needed, maybe even only wanted, one. Then home we would go and she would start her consensus work. Which one did my aunt, her sister, like best? Which one did our next door neighbor prefer? And of course, what did my father like (before she would let him see the price tag)?

Then we would trek back to the store to return the losers in the clothes parade. There were never any issues returning things. The sales person would be courteous and respectful.

The thing is this was a humongous waste of time.

I recently read a quote by Theodore Roosevelt, “In a moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing to do, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.”

Advice from a shopper who spent way too much time returning “stuff”  buy what you like and enjoy it, don’t waste time asking who likes what.  And use the time going back and forth returning things to write a book, paint a picture, run a marathon.

Decide to decide. It saves time and money for everyone.

He wants “The Transformers” and “Super Heroes” who fight all the bad in the world with their extensive physical moves, arms and legs kicking evil out of the universe; or something like that.

The arguing is eating up the air time and their mother, who just happens to be my daughter, is tired hearing the “if you” or “then maybe”.

She tells them to go out of the room and figure it out by themselves as she continues her conversation with me.

They reenter the room, nothing yet solved. However, a very smart little boy says with great pride in his negotiation skills “I think we will watch The Transformers. After all there is a girl in there and she is wearing PINK!”

Now, my grandson, Dylan did not even look at the first page of my new book “GUTSY: How Women Leaders Make Change”. He has no deep understanding of the ways of the female gender. He just wanted to watch what he wanted to watch.

However, somewhere in the deeper recesses of his brain, he has stored information about many things.

In my GUTSY book there is fascinating research about the colors of pink and blue that take us back to our long ago cave people relatives.

This is just one tidbit, there are so many amazing points of information that we will share in our next GUTSY WOMEN WEEKEND, April 13-15 at The Country Place Retreat Center,  www.retreatpa.com. And the good news is participants will get complimentary copies of the GUTSY book where the pink/blue theories are discussed.

Join us and find out what it takes to be GUTSY.

Oh, by the way, my grandchildren ended up watching Transformers and Word Girl…. their mother made the call so she could get some peace and quiet.

Maybe we should send him to the United Nations!!!

Enjoy.

Here is the story:

The video below is of a homeless man in Santa Barbara, CA and his pets. They work State Street every week for donations. The animals are pretty well fed and are mellow.

They are a family.

The man who owns them rigged up a harness for his cat so she wouldn’t have to walk so much (like the dog and himself). At some juncture the rat came along, and as no one wanted to eat anyone else, the rat started riding with the cat and, often, on the cat!

The dog will stand all day and let you talk to him and admire him for a few chin scratches.

The Mayor of Santa Barbara filmed this clip and sent it out as a holiday card.

A great video . . . Click on the link below:

http://www.youtube.com/v/D85yrIgA4Nk

“I see you have your stupid smiling face on the wall as the employee of the month”.

“Yeah, it’s such a bunch of bull”.

“What did the manager say to you”?

“He gave me a certificate and we had our picture taken for the national news bulletin. Not much else. We shook hands and he told me to keep up the good work. I wanted to ask what the good work was but he was gone before I could get a sentence together.”

“Is that it?”

“Yes, that’s it. My girlfriend came in and gave me a hug and some of my neighbors swatted me on the rump. I actually found the whole thing a bit over the top. It really means nothing; just looks good for the establishment. Did I learn anything? Nah”.

I couldn’t resist. I went over and asked permission to ask a few questions. They shrugged and waited.

What I wanted to know was what would have made a difference in receiving the employee of the month award. They both agreed that the ego stroking gets nauseating and it has no lasting effect. What they wanted was some truth telling about what they were good at and what they could do to grow since they obviously did not think their careers would end flipping burgers.

We talked a bit more and the theme that stayed with me was the yearning for honesty and truth. I think it is something we are all starving for in our sound bite world.

What happens to you when you hear the truth? Even if it is uncomfortable? Let me know. The best story will receive a copy of “The Pattern Aware Success Guide” ($25 value) and a Free Coaching Session ($300 value).

Maybe, just maybe the guy with the loud mouth and no couth will be put out to pasture.

It’s about time.

I have listened to Mr. Limbaugh, on occasion, to understand his appeal. I have always turned him off with a sense of deep sadness. Oh sure, he has made millions. However, inside that large frame is a tortured little child who is screaming out to be heard by being outrageous and throwing hissy fits. Maybe those who adore him are also stuck at the age of…. well, possible two or three.

Time to grow up.

Click here to read Rupudiating Limbaugh: A Matter of Integrity, No Politics

By Menachem Rosensaft

Sylvia Lafair’s comment:

Well said. However there is one small edit. President Obama did not stand up on the side of “the weak” when he called that “strong” young woman, Ms. Fluke to speak with her. I believe he was merely underlining what needed to be said, that we will not accept disrespect and that the world is changing to be more decent.The Rush Limbaugh’s of the world are living on borrowed time and will soon be silenced by disdain. Their form of “any press is better than no press” is getting old and stale.

The patterns of anything goes behavior that has been around for decades is ready to transform to truth telling (it’s always OUR OWN truth) with dignity. What I teach in my Total Leadership Connections Program is that “telling the truth is NOT spilling your guts”! It is a disciplined art form that the world needs now. We all deserve that kind of truth and it is what we need to model for the next generations.

I am asked all the time in my coaching sessions, “When do you finally let someone go”?

Let’s go back to yesterday and the employee who could not get work done because the cat was sick. The first thing you do is ask accountability questions. Remember, I suggested you go into a room with a door and close the door.

This is not to keep anyone captive. It is to create a contained space where there are few distractions, few ways to wiggle out of the “face the music” moment.

Leadership development training programs should all have a module where you have to practice asking the tough questions and then sit in silence waiting for answers and not help to rescue the other person.

Okay, if the questions fall on deaf ears, then what.

REMEMBER THE RULE OF THREE

Sometimes it does take a bit of remedial work to get the point across, so give the employee a second and a third chance to step up to the plate. However, by the third meeting if nothing is really changing and the “cat” is still sick, then it is time for action.

Performance improvement plans work. They are like a red flag that time is running out. Make them factual, specific, with time lines.

And you can “unhire” if you must. Often employers who are caring and helpful have a difficult time releasing a VICTIM employee.

Make a sign and keep it near your desk:  Work is NOT a Rehab Facility.

I had asked her to give me a report with how many sales she had made last month, and more importantly, a list of “the ones that got away”.

I was not at her desk long before I knew I had to get out of there, get some air.

What made me so mad was the fact that this was a woman who must have a master’s degree in deflection. This time she said she did not have the report for me because she was up all night with her sick…cat. When she saw me roll my eyes she countered with “Look, you may have stayed up all night with a sick child, this cat is like a child to me.”

Can’t argue what matters. So I just said “uh huh”.

However, this was the third defection of the week. Maryanne is a bonafide avoider and no matter what she finds ways to make the issue a problem that someone else has created and then she just seems to disappear…. back at home with the sick cat.

When you have an employee who always has an answer and then leaves, here is what to do.

Meet in a closed room. You know, the old kind with doors that shut. And make sure the door is shut!

Next, ask an accountability question that cannot be answered “yes’ or “no”. Here are a few examples:

• “What do you think you can do differently so that you can have the sales report done by tomorrow?”
•  “What kind of help do you need to have this finished by tomorrow”?
• “What is it like for you when you know I am frustrated with the lack of follow through”?

Then you just wait and stay silent.

More tomorrow.

What is it that makes us trust or distrust someone?

On the surface, a relationship may look good; however, underneath it may be filled with secrets and lies.

There is an old Sufi saying that I have written on the board next to my computer. It says “Trust in God and tie your camel to a tree”.

Now, I don’t mean that we should play life safe all the time, after all I just finished writing a book titled “GUTSY: How Women Leaders Make Change”. I believe we should take all kinds of risks. I think it is the core of growing and developing as leaders.

HOWEVER……when the outside world is saying “all is good” and your gut is saying “careful here”….. tie your camel to a tree.